10 Things I Learned at My Sister's Las Vegas Wedding

1. They sell souvenirs at the wedding.  Mugs.  Bumper stickers. Bobble Heads.  License plates.   Posters.  Gum.  Sunscreen. Shot Glasses.   Bubbles.  T-Shirts.  Elvis Hair.  Back Scratchers.    The only things I wanted, but they didn't have…bottled water. 
2.   Who knew you could get a fabulous wedding dress in 2 weeks for only $100. It will have a train, but no bustle.
3. Having a sister that likes to “play with your hair” can pay off when the hotel salon calls you the morning of your wedding and says they had 5 people call in sick and will no longer be able to accommodate you and do your hair for your wedding.  The results can be PERFECT!
4. The ONLY good non cheesy wedding card will be about Vegas and when YOU find it, you will have to do rock, paper, scissors with your siblings (which you will lose (paper sucks)) to see who will get to buy it, and you will be stuck with some other lame old lovey dovey card about how the best thing about marriage is not having to hold farts in.
5.  The wedding chapel will broadcast your wedding live on the Internet, so that all your loved ones not in Vegas (and any other random people in the world) can watch you get married.
6. Bring the $60 cash that you will need to purchase your marriage license (open till midnight 365 days a year), or else you will have to borrow it from a sister who will then joke about “owning your marriage” until you pay her back. J
7. If you are kind enough to babysit your niece, you should at least have her to the chapel on time, because apparently, the bride and groom aren't the only necessary people.  For some crazy reason they want their daughter to be there too.
8. The Elvis who marries you may be so considerate as to bend down during the ceremony to ask if you are exchanging rings.  He won’t know your names or refer to you by name at any point in the ceremony.
9. If you have already arrived in Vegas, and your sister (who is the bride) texts and asks what the chances are of getting a picture of your deceased mother to be displayed at the wedding is, say yes.  Then enlist the help of your siblings, email archives, a smart phone, the USB cable, and a quick photo machine at a photo processing center.  In less than an hour you have exactly what the bride requested, and your siblings are heroes!
10. If you and your two other siblings are planning to do a relay of a sprint triathlon at 6 am the morning after a Vegas wedding, quit planning that now.  It will be a waste of time, since you will all choose to sleep in and then never even mention to one another that you missed it. 

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"No Good Deed Goes Unpunished"

I prefer to think that it was Oscar Wilde that coined the phrase, but no one knows…. But it is part of my life.  J

It all started when I got sick of the nasty carpet in our family room.  It looked like this:

Then I discovered that underneath the nasty carpet was this:

 

So, with a bit of help and a lot of resolve, the carpet went “away”. 

 I am soooo happy with the results.  However, this was my “fabulous” MIL’s response.

“Linnea, I am not happy you removed the carpet.  That room is going to be SO VERY cold now without that carpet.  How dare you think that you know better than the professional master that built the house!  He put the carpet there for a reason (to keep the house warm) and who do you think you are to remove it!” 

I, however, LOVE the floors and I made sure to get the some great soap and a nice hardwood floor moppy type thing so that my MIL will have an easier time of cleaning it.  See how nice I am. J

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10 Things I Learned at My 1st "On the Road" and "All Women's" Triathlon

This past weekend I took my triathlon “show” on the road.  Thanks to my FABULOUS friend and former roomie, Karen, I loaded my bike in my trusty handy dandy Element and drove to American Fork, Utah for my first (and probably last) all women’s race.  This new venue and experience provided me with plenty-o-things that could make my “10 Things I Learned…” list….I had to narrow it down for you to these:

1.     For some reason the girls set up next to you will have found bringing a Fondue Pot to the race (and enjoying Fondue in the transition area) a necessity.  I kid you not.  Nothing says “race” like fried meat and melted cheese… well, I guess they weren’t THAT ridiculous, they did the chocolate dipped fruit thing.  Still…WHO DOES THIS!!!

2.      Naming a port-a-potty “Honey Bucket” doesn’t make it any less disgusting.  A portable crapper by any other name still smells just as …   I still want to puke.

3.     It wouldn’t be a real race if I hadn’t learned some sort of wardrobe lesson, and this one is it.  If your bathing suit is now a tad too big, and you have a larger than average bust,  pushing off the wall will probably pull your suit down and create some SERIOUS drag, not to mention the “joy” of having to figure out how to stuff yourself back in while you are swimming. 

4.     At least 4 of the 1000 Women in the race will be downright rude and mean (and somehow I think I found all 4 of them).  “Get out of my way!”  “Move when you hear me coming!”  “Kill yourself on the gravel, just don’t slow me down!”  AS IF I wasn’t faster than them at some point to be ahead of them…. I wish I could do an evil laugh. J

5.     If you haven’t raced in 5 months, you might forget you are even racing and just be celebrating the fact that you made it up the giant hill for 3 miles before you think…”CRAP…why are so many people passing me?!  Oh, it’s because I am only going 14 mph!!!”

6.     A race with 1000 women participating should have better food than Diet Coke, Chocolate, cookies, and orange slices.  I felt like I was 7 years old and it was half time at my soccer game!  Give me some REAL food!

7.     Having assigned transition spots saves tons of headaches in getting set up.  I was very lucky and got the BEST spot (right by bike in and out and run out).  I think they took pitty on the not so “competitive looking” women and put them in the best spots.  It rocked!

8.     At first you will be overjoyed that the water in the outdoor swimming pool is over 80 degrees.  By the time you are done with 200 meters of the swim, you will be annoyed that you are sweating and wonder if you will pass out from dehydration before you finish.

9.     The kids that line the run course will all want to give you five.  If you happen to miss one, and she starts crying, it is kind to go back and make sure she gets five too. 

10.  The announcer at the finish line will announce the finish of EVERYONE, except you if your name is not pronounceable.  From now on I might just start registering with the phonetic version of my name, though now that I think about it, that may not help.  J

FYI:  Karen KICKED BUTT as did her Sister Bekah in their 1^st tri!  These two will be powerhouses in the world of triathlon!

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10 Things Linnea Learned about Becoming an Aunt

1. If you are having “creative differences” with your Dr, you can decide to change doctors, even while you are in labor.

2. If your sister chooses to go to the Olive Garden for dinner (and not home) the wait staff and mgmt will keep a close and fearful eye on her and your table as your sister eats dinner while experiencing strong contractions that are 4-5 mins apart.

3. The server will also bring you a huge pile of extra mints with the check and wear a look of extreme pity.

4. C Section babies don’t get their head’s squished so they come out looking pretty “normal”

5. There are some “new mothers” who SOMEHOW have cute hair and makeup and pjs as they take their little 5 hour old newborns for a walk in the hallways. How is this possible?!?

6. The hospital provides the cutest, most fashionable, highest quality mesh underwear for the new mothers to wear. They like to joke that it is the latest “secret” that Victoria has introduced exclusively for hospitals as a gift to new mothers!

7. Breast Feeding: TONS more work than I thought it would be. It may be free but it is NOT easy.

8. Linnea can actually make it through a major three day event without having a wardrobe malfunction, crashing anything, breaking anything, but will lose her keys in the hospital.

9. Blood. Blood. And MORE Blood!

10. The doors in labor and delivery are surprisingly sound proof, which was kind of disappointing. We were looking forward to the yelling, and screaming, and swearing, and “You are NEVER touching me again!!!” tirades.

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A Maria Gem

On Monday I got into a “spring cleaning” type kick.  I was obsessed and cleaning out junk as fast as I could from all over our house.  At one point Maria was just standing back watching in awe at the speed I could just huck, chuck, and shred.  She called Gary over and whispered to him, “Gary, look, Linnea is getting rid of all the crap in this house.  I bet we are next.”

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Things Linnea did in 2010 she had never done before

1. Been a bridesmaid
2. Visit Spokane
3. Enjoy the capital of the USA
4. Play racquetball
5. Bowl with Greyhounds
6. Wrecked my scooter without losing my pants
7. Hula Hoop (I did lose my pants once on this one though)
8. Get on the JumboTron at a MLB game
9. Tried Hot Wasabi Peas

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Linnea's 2010 in Numbers

One: Number of wedding rehearsals Linnea did with her zipper open.
Two: How many times I fell in love this year (Yes, Artur knows)
Three: Movies viewed in the theatre (Eclipse, Toy Story 3, Hubble 3D IMAX)
Five: The number of 14 lb bowling balls I have lost in weight.
Four: Months it took to listen to the War and Peace audio book (60 hours and 38 mins)
Fifteen: Number of time I decided NOT to kick my mother in law out of the house
2221.65 Miles Biked
109,835 Calories Burned Biking

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Happy New Year!

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10 Tips I Learned at the Mack Wedding

1. Trust the GPS in the unfamiliar town! Even if it is 2 AM and your hotel is 20 feet away and the GPS is sending you another .5 miles to get there. If you don’t you could end up doing an illegal U Turn at 2 AM on to a one way street, realize your mistake, pull up on the sidewalk and drive on it, blow a kiss to the car that you did all this in front of, realize that car is a really a cop, pull into a different hotel, park, and hide in the bushes for 3 minutes to make sure the cop is gone.

2. Check your zipper before the rehearsal starts

3. 10 Diet Cokes on girl’s night out will almost be enough to help you keep up with the sheer energy of the “blushing” bride.

4. 12 Girls can fit into a Volvo at 1 am, but breath mints and open windows are recommended

5. Chanel lipstick works in a pinch to decorate the happy couple’s getaway car.

6. Elegantly sliding down the banister while holding a glass of Champaign when you are introduced at the reception can end with a lot of laughter and rug burned knees -- April :-)
7. You can easily curb problems of the groomsmen throwing Jordan almonds down the bride's dress if your best man is a precision pitcher with a wicked fastball and access to anything that can substitute for a baseball.

8. Ordering onion rings a sushi place will probably turn out to be a very disappointing choice.

9. Climbing on all the pipes at the rehearsal dinner location may be all fun and games, till you realize you were flashing most of the wedding party while posing for a picture in one.

10. It is wonderful when the wedding is amazing, and the marriage even better! Love you guys!

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9.5 Things I Learned in my 4th 5k Race

1. If your Mother In Law does most of your laundry, and she does some pretty darn crazy things sometimes, you may find (1 mile into the race) that the t-shirt you grabbed early in the AM, but didn’t put on until closer to race time, may not be quite as clean and “scent free” as you assumed it was since it was hanging in your closet amongst all the clean shirts.


2. If your favorite running skirt is now too big and does not stay in the places it is supposed to, and you buy a “not as nice” replacement, it may lead to chaffing in unpleasant places. The Body Glide you bought for your last triathlon will work MIRACLES in preventing further chaffing.

3. The replacement skirt from #2 may have some “quality control” issues that won’t come to light until 2.2 miles in the race when you can not kit your full stride anymore because the hem stitches from both legs of the “undershorties” have come loose and tangled together. It is NOT an easy problem to rectify while running.

4. The paramedics working the race, for some reason only known to them, will be stationed at the bottom of a big freakin hill (pretty much all of mile 2 was a giant hill), and not the TOP.

5. Even if you cut 6 minutes (yes…6 Minutes!!!) off your time, your fabulous friend’s fabulous 9 year old son will still beat you.

6. You might just be devastated when people (read “men”) you THOUGHT were your friends finish the race ahead of you, but don’t wait to high five you at the finish line. Freakin Jerks. :-)

7. A small, inaugural 5k race to benefit a local elementary school had the BEST food, best goody bags, and best sponsors of every 5k I have done thus far.

8. The clothing I own that actually fits me is now officially 65% race t-shirts and athletic clothes, 25% socks, and 10% regular work clothes

9. Your cat can be almost as good as an alarm clock if the alarm you set (and triple checked) doesn’t go off.

9.5 The running training I did (which is run exactly 4 times in the last 3 months) is enough so I can’t say, “I really need to learn how to run!” this time.
Next up:
One Thanksgiving Turkey Trot
One Bolder Boulder 10 k
One Olympic Distance Triathlon
One trip to the nuthouse

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